* the love nest of him and her *

Thursday, June 16, 2005

fira wrote:

ok u guys, since today is the last weekday for me,here, ive got sumthing for u guys to anggap as the weekends must read..chihihiSomething happened yesterday(no no ppl!!not about my lovelife ya!!chihihi).and that incident really shook me and mak me realised that all these years i'm not who i am.for some ppl who knew me since i was a girl(ladyke skang?) they might think im a very wise and matured person and very self kept and private person.i only talk when the topic of discussion is mind challenging and worth to talk about for hours.u know a topic where u need to think about.i used to have a group of friends whom i enjoyed talking for hours and hours maybe because we shared the same wavelentgh.they were aleq,nazihah,harayz and warayz.mind you, we didn't talk about the curent fashion style, the current movies, the current hype, we mostly talked about the general isues, of people's behaviour, of war of the worlds, of opportunities and circumstances,of politics,of reasons and how being a good muslim, of the road ahead and uncertainties and anything evolve around that.mind you, we were only a bunch of schoolkids back then.and put us all together in a cafe, we might look like a bunch of nenek datuk yang tengah reminiscing about their life.but i enjoyed it very much.u see, it'll make u wise,careful of chosing ur life path.they were all my best buddies, in rank, the closest wud be aleq, then came naz, then harayz and warayz.but those times has passed.especially when u grew up, u can' always seem to cling to same group of frens that u have since u were kid.some choices and roads need to be choose.and, u bid ur final goodbye mutually, and of u go, deciding to make a choice of a diverged road.eversince the final goodbye, i think it was like 5 years ago. Aleq, the closest one of all,my confidant, were going to the states for his degree and he finally found someone whom, he decided to spent his life with.takkan la aku still nak melekat kan..tak seswai..so did warayz and harayz and naz..i donno either aku yang put myself away since aku sentap i have to let go of aleq kan, or that year was meant for us to find our own way..so there i was, alone on a diverged road..not sure which road is the best one..i used to feel big, but when without them, i'm just lost...of options and uncertainties, i chose one...and hell, it was definitely the wrong one..that road was full of hurdles and definitely was a rough water..mistake after mistakes and judgement after judgement and choices after choices has made me forgot of who i am..who i used to be..but come to think of it, maybe i was meant for me to went for that road to test all the theories and thoughts that i've been gibberishing about for years..mcm org ckp, jgn cakap je pandai,sekali kene kat batang hidung baru tau..like dat lah..phewhhh, for 5 years seyhh,lame betul..tetibe rase cm naruto pulak..the syair arab and the incident that shook me betul betul made me realised..buat aku terpikir,"what the hell was i thinking all these years?what happened?"..i woke up this morning, it's like i just woken up from a dream...haih..life is an enigma...u'll never know what will happen next..so this morning, as soon as i got into my office, i saw naz online, cepat cepat msg die..had a veryyyy long chat,mcm u know, close friends that has been separated or years!!at first i wanted to call up aleq,since he was the closest one b4,but then looking now, everything seems changed. Everybody have new commitments in life and suddenly involved in the rat’s race, trying to achieve the things that we have talked for years. it must be weird to call them up and talk like before suddenly in all these years..pretending like there were no drift between us, adn hoping they would still the same, and sangke they still keep u dear in their heart..but luckily, naz is still the same. the conversation was like a piece of me that i was looking for me to complete the puzzle..one of our topic was the incident yesterday, and again it made me realised, ...:

lilacbloome: susahnye lahai nak jadi baik
pheyra: mmg pon
pheyra: come to think of that kan
pheyra: meh aku nak luah perasaan kat kau, sebelom aku luah perasaan kat blog aku
lilacbloome: haha sila2
pheyra: ok, aku, mmg generous and thotful orgnye
pheyra: when i found or find sumthing interesting, aku suke share them with my anybody yg close or within reach ngan aku la kan at that time
pheyra: so, bende lagu tu, kan very meaningful kan, yang kat blog aku tu
pheyra: aku print out a few, and pas kat org yang hampir ngan aku kat sini lah
pheyra: kalau lah, cin kat ofis aku ni paham
pheyra: aku sure kasi deirang gak
pheyra: but, masalahnye, aku pas la kat sorang hamba Allah ni
pheyra: which, aku dah agak tak gune bagi die pon, konfirm die buang
pheyra: tapi, hell,bagi je lah
pheyra: i was expecting for die tu rase betape agungnye tuhan cam aku rase
pheyra: pastu, aku tanye la die, die nak buat ape dgn bende tu, just wanna know la since my first thot die akan buangpheyra: then aku ckp"i think u r gonna throw it"
pheyra: then die cakap,"ha tau pun"
lilacbloome: whoa oke
pheyra: pastu die tanye aku balek pe aku akan buat"for me, aku akan tampal kat dinding so depan sejadah aku so dat everytime bile pas akus emayang, aku akan senang bace"
pheyra: pastu die question aku balek,"u gimme all this, u buat ke bende yang sepatutnye?"
pheyra: i was like, ek eh..aku mcm ckp la "u are in no position to preech or tanye me kan"
pheyra: pastu die ckp balek,"then, u r in no position to give me all this"
pheyra: i was like hellooo, i'm just trying to share something here
pheyra: kalau aku lah kan, penagih dadah ke bapak ayam ke kasi aku bende camtu, aku certainly wud appreciate it
pheyra: pastu, die pulangkan kat aku balek tau, then aku ckp" naah, im giving it to u(yelah kite kan khalifah di muke bumi) so i dah lepas tanggungjawab, kalau u nak buang, u buang sendiri. then i just leave, die pon leave, aku tatau la lah die amek ke, die biarkan je kat situ..
pheyra: oh well
pheyra: aku mcm tak sentap, but mcm sedih, because aku dah kenal die for so longgg mcm aku ngan kau lah, org pandai lak tu...tapi bile dah sombong nan bodoh ni.aku kesian lah..what a waste
pheyra: aku tau la kan aku pon byk dosa, tapi it was not intention to berdakwah ke ape..saje to share because i find it interesting
pheyra: aku tatau lah, i basically like grew up same same ngan die
lilacbloome: maybe dia misinterpret intentions kau
pheyra: study same same
pheyra: so, bile dah besar besar ni, dah kerje sumer. die mcm chang onto this bodoh sombong type la
pheyra: i just donno way, izzit this is die nye way to rebel of how die nye life has turn out to be?
pheyra: kalau aku not being a good friend kan, aku lame dah mcm,lantak kau la bile die started to change dulu
pheyra: so, i being a good friend, mcm ko pon tau kan u know me quite well, aku tak kesah kawan ngan sape sape, n aku tak kan judge of how u r now, i always hold on to r good qualities dah i've known dulu
pheyra: so, aku tak de lah loose hope kat die
pheyra: although sumtimes die nye acts and attitude now buat aku like"oh ok, "mcm terdiam kan
pheyra: i always make my self bleive,"ok tu bukan dia"..tapi yesterday incident, buat aku mcm "haih, tere's no hope, tuhan jyang boleh tolong die skang"
pheyra: u get what i mean x?
lilacbloome: yes2
lilacbloome: tahlah fira, to some ppl it's an insult
lilacbloome: lagi2 kalau yg mak bpk pun lebey krg jugak
lilacbloome: or it's a rebel la
lilacbloome: xpela, not ur lost pun. u've done ur part
pheyra: kau faham jenis yang mcm org org pas kampung bodoh ni
pheyra: yang, ckp beriye iye, hukum hakam sane sini
lilacbloome: hahah
pheyra: tapi die sendiri tak tau
pheyra: kau faham x?
lilacbloome: hmm
lilacbloome: tau2
pheyra: ha mcm tu la
lilacbloome: hmm
lilacbloome: so back to family raisings la i guess
lilacbloome: tu ler komen aku
pheyra: aku kene makan atarax tau mlm tadi sbb memikirkan maslah ini
lilacbloome: pengaruh kuat 2 je, family and peers
lilacbloome: personally for me lah kan
lilacbloome: aku ingat satu je besides God lah
pheyra: ?
lilacbloome: aku perempuan, so dosa aku sebahagiannya ditanggung mak bpk aku.
lilacbloome: jadi memandangkan aku sgt sygkan diorg, aku cubala mengurgkan dosa sbyk mungkin
lilacbloome: kalau org xde agama, tp nak belaja xpe
lilacbloome: tp mostly yg jadi mcm tu
lilacbloome: bukan x tau hukum-hakam
lilacbloome: x nak ikut je
lilacbloome: as simple as that my dear fira
lilacbloome: but hope is still there
lilacbloome: no matter what
pheyra: tapi mcm mane pulak, org ni die nampak secare lahirriah nye mcm tau hukum hakam
pheyra: pgi masjid tunggang tonggek
pheyra: tapi, hati umpawa gelap, jiwa bagaikan mati
pheyra:marahkan anak org sebab taktau hukum hakam, tp anak sendiri tak pas semayang, anak yang dijadikan contoh kepada anak yang kecundang tu yang sebenarnye buat bende yang same di belakang kesedaran dia?
lilacbloome: itu hipokrit namanya
lilacbloome: sama je
pheyra: at to a point, aku rase haayz yang tunggang langgang kat U.S minum pejadah seumr, lagi terang hati nya umpama nian
pheyra: wahhhh very the asma kan
pheyra: aahah
lilacbloome: haha
lilacbloome: tp harayz tuh dia suka soal sgt psl islam nih
lilacbloome: kdg2 aku x tau nak jwb
lilacbloome: benda2 yg mmg wajib tuh dia persoalkan
lilacbloome: tapi dia very good questioner la
lilacbloome: bole buat kat tersentak n terpk
pheyra: aku ckp la"ala harayz, aku rase aku kenal hati budi kau, aku tau ur hope and feras, aku kenal kaulame sgt"so aku cam ckp la, kau tanye sumer ni sbb actually, die nakk and sayang st kat islam, tapi tulah
pheyra: camne aku nak ckp ee?u know, when sumbudy tu has been chosen by god to be the mcm the baikest of all
pheyra: tuhan akan kasi die mcm dasyat gile dan byk gila dugaan
pheyra: tapi up some point bile die dpt overcome that dugaan, die akan jadi sgttt baik dr org lain
lilacbloome: heh perhaps
lilacbloome: tp some ppl sengaja carik dugaan
lilacbloome: so TERduga n kecundang
pheyra: i took this form kisah nabi la, sbb nabi muhammah ckp kat sahabat2 die kan, die lagi sayang this one guy dr shabat sahabat die yang lain
pheyra: and sahabat2 die sentap, sbab that guy tak same level pon ngan shabat sahabat nabi ni
pheyra: but then nabi explain, die lagi sayang that guy, coz that guy, tak penah tanye kbaikan kat nabi, tapi die tanya pasal kejahatan
pheyra: nabi ckp, org yang tau kejahatan, sebenarnye akan lebih tahu and appreciate kebaikan, dr org yang hany tahu kebaikan sahaja, org tulah sebenarnye alpa dan jiwa nya kosong
lilacbloome: it's true in a way
lilacbloome: thats y u learn frm mistakes
lilacbloome: tp amatlah rugi kalau kesilapan yg dia buat tu x dpt diterima oleh org lain kalau dia dah berubah sekalipun
pheyra: tu la pasal
lilacbloome: esp if kesilapan yg melibatkan org

Taking to naz was like a breath of fresh air..this is the kind of conversation we used to have..meaningful..and wise..all these years, i think i've hurt my self so bad, not because of circumstances, but because i chose it myself..u see, u can never change people, or being over protective to some people, sometimes u just need to let them be, and let them learn by their own..i know, it's hard to see the people u hold closed to ur heart to go the way that u really don't want them to be..but what can u do bout it?it's their lives, they decide what they want for their lives..u can't seem to try to make the world a better place and protect everyone to go to the way that u don't want them to just because u've been there and lucky u, u managed to pull out..and because of that, u are afraid, they would go the same cursed way but unable to pull out?wake up!i realised now, that i am in no power to do that...phewh!!ni dah betul betul blog nih..tapi i thank god, i think if not because of that incident, i will never be awake, i might still be living in the solemn world, the world of loose hope and uncertainties, almost a world of fantasies, where i wasn't belong. i know i am much worth than that..what have i done?tapi tulah, people who fell and rise up from their mistakes, org tu org yang berjaye kan..but it a sense of friendship it made me realised, a true friend are a friend who actually was like an inch away no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A friend is never farther away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley, and you have to walk it for yourself, your friend will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you. Or come in and carry you out.I forgot about i all these years, and im happy i'm not that late to realise it now..i'm so much worthy, tapi aku tak perasan, i've sold my dignity and patronized my own wisdom..sheeshh, but hey,when we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joy or sorrow that lay ahead.It takes years of experiences and a very good judgement to manouver the rough waters.I'm glad i have learned the experience.Thank God!

"Di suatu malam dari malam-malamku..Aku tidak tahu apa yang menimpa diriku wahai tuhan..Kegelapan memenuhi diriku wahai Tuhan..Bumi dan Langit dirasakan sempit..Dan hatiku tidak menjumpai cahaya..Dan air mataku sentiasa mengalir wahai Tuhanku..Aku ingkar dan dosa-dosa besar..Dan sesungguhnya aku dalam kesedihan yang amat..Dibelenggu oleh dosa-dosa, wahai Tuhan..Dan adakah layak keampunan buat orang yang berdosa?..Orang yang sentiasa dalam noda, Wahai Tuhan..Engkau yang menjadikanku..Mengasisihiku dan mengurniakanku rezeki..Wahai Tuhan, Engkau selalu bersama-samaku..Tetapi aku jauh daripadaMu..Dan aku berjalan pada jalanku Ya Allah..Dan pada hari ini wahai Tuhan, aku kembali..Daripada kegelapan di belakang batasan-batasan agama..Dan hatiku kecewa dan jalanku bingung..Dan aku telah tenggelam tetapi aku tidak menyedari..Tiada penyelamat bagiku melainkan Engkau..Tiada penyelamat dan tiada penyelamat melainkan Engkau..Wahai Tuhanku.. Wahai Tuhanku..."

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Firash winks
at |1:02 PM|